The Emperor's New Fit • Almost Perfect

The Emperor’s New Fit

New year, new attempt at a monthly newsletter of sorts. Maybe this time it’ll stick. Thought I’d keep things topical and remind you of a 19th century children’s story.

Listen, those of you with kids need to start reading to them. We have multiple generations of people falling for scams and Ponzi schemes because their parents didn’t take 10 minutes out of their day to read them The Emperor’s New Clothes. In case your parents let you down as well, I’ll give you my version of the Hans Christian Anderson classic.

So there’s this emperor, right? And he’s a pretty vain and pompous motherfucker. This dude made sure his fit was always the freshest. He basically had a sweatshop in the palace to make sure he would look his Kanye best every day. Not only that, but each day he’d ask everyone around him, “How kief do I look?” Naturally, since he’s the emperor, regardless of if he hit or missed with that particular ootd, everyone would just be like, “Yus, bro, flame emojis,” because they liked having their jobs/lives.

Anyway, despite having in-house designers who could whip up clothes that would put Forrester Creations out of business in a heartbeat, our bratty emperor grew increasingly dissatisfied with their sartorial output. He wanted something out of this world. He wanted to go to the moon, you could say.

So, he got his underlings to start searching the empire for the hottest talent in the fashion game. Think of it as the first edition of Project Runway. As luck would have it, they happened across these two men in the marketplace who claimed to be the greatest tailors in all the land. Job done. They were rushed up to the palace and granted an audience with the emperor. Obviously, he wanted to know why they thought they were such hot shit. They tuned the ou that the special sauce was the fabric they used. They claimed it was next level technology that would change the world, but only they understood how to use properly. This was a “New-Fit Technology”. Always wanting to be on the cutting edge, the emperor jumped at this chance to be an early adopter of the fashion of the future. He chucked a bag of gold at the duo and told them to get to work.

Our savvy seamsters leapt into action, taking over one of the biggest rooms in the palace, bolting the door behind them. They were not to be disturbed. After a couple of days, the emperor sent his head honcho to check out the vibe. It looked like the tailors were hard at work but when he looked at what they were working on, there was nothing there. The tailors saw the puzzled look on his face and explained that due to the high-tech properties of the material they were working with, only the cool kids could actually see it. This was New-Fit Technology after all. Trying to save face, the head honcho got his sycophant on and immediately started telling them how exquisite it was. He’d be damned if these two strangers thought he wasn’t cool. They told him they needed a couple more days to get everything just right before sending him off with a snippet of the magical cloth.

The head honcho headed back to the emperor and told him how next level the clothes were. He’d never seen anything like it. Not only were they the most unbelievable thing he’s ever seen, but only cool kids could see it. The emperor, naturally, was hyped. This was what he’d been looking for his whole life. He gets to be ahead of the trend, and he finally finds out who in his empire is truly cool. Honchy-baby pulled out the snippet of cloth and the dear leader’s heart sank. He couldn’t see it. He wasn’t cool. “Isn’t it incredible?” HH asked his boss, “New-Fit Technologies really are the future.” “Fuck,” the emperor thought, “this swagless buffoon can see it? I can’t let him know he’s cooler than me.” The emperor started gushing, “Incredible?! It’s beyond incredible. It’s indescribable! Flow those lads more ducats and tell them there’s a bonus if they can complete the fit for the parade tomorrow!” Oh, yeah, there’s a parade happening that I was meant to mention earlier, just go with it.

After working through the night, the tailors pulled off a miracle and had the outfit ready at the crack of dawn. They chuckled knowing that that wasn’t the only crack they’d be seeing that day. The emperor woke up excited like a kid on Christmas Day. He’d accepted that even if he couldn’t see the outfit, or understand how New-Fit Technologies worked, all the cool people would and they’d be jealous of him for having what they didn’t. He burst into tailors’ room and saw his underlings all admiring the outfit on the rack. “It’s unreal!” “It’s fantastic!” “It has to be seen to be believed!”

The emperor told them all to get out. Except for the tailors. They were to help him get dressed. Once the room was clear, the emperor dropped his pyjamas to reveal that he’s a free-baller. The tailors stifled laughter whilst quickly rushing the clothes rack to the emperor. They made a big show out of putting each item of clothing on. “Ooooh, have you ever felt socks so light on your feet?” “Only an emperor is fit for a robe this delicate!” After much faffing about, the emperor was dressed and ready for the parade. The clothes were indeed light and delicate, as he could feel a breeze blowing between his legs. Most of his robes prevented that. Still, this was the latest fashion. The tailors were each given a wheelbarrow full of gold for their ingenuity.

Fast forward to the emperor cruising down the streets of the parade in his New-Fit Technology original- only one in existence. Even though they’d heard rumours about it all week, nobody could believe what they’re seeing. This was it, this was New-Fit Technology. This was the future right before their eyes. Not wanting to be the ones who didn’t get it, people started talking about how incredible the outfit was. First there were murmurs, then, two brothers, the Bitter-Coiners, loudly exclaimed how unique and awesome this New-Fit Technology was. They even started to hypothesise about potential uses of this new material. “Imagine what it could do for jousting?!” Soon, the entire crowd was loudly proclaiming the magnificence of this New-Fit Technology and the emperor felt like, well, an emperor, I guess? The hype was peaking to extraordinary levels. You had to be there.

Then, out of nowhere, this one kid pipes up, “He’s naked!” His mom is super embarrassed by this and gives him a little kick to try shut him up. The kid persists, “What? He is!” A couple of people around the kid are like, “You know what, he’s right! The emperor is naked.” Naturally, some people deny this, “No, no, you just can’t see it!” They bicker for a bit until most of the townsfolk accept reality for what it is and see their leader before them, in nothing but his crown. They all start giggling. Our emperor, sensing they all see what he sees, covers himself up and runs back to the palace with laughter chasing after him.

“Where the fuck are those pieces of shit?! I’m going to cut their fucking heads off!” The emperor exclaimed as he burst through the door. “Th-th-their rooms are empty, my lord,” his head honcho replied, “we think they left during the parade. Someone said they saw them talking to the Bitter-Coiner brothers. Nobody has seen them since.” The emperor then strangled his head honcho with his bare hands.

The End.

Uh, so why’d I bring up a children’s tale from the 1800’s?

Oh, no reason.

Anyway, happy new year and all that jazz. Hope you don’t get scammed.

Stay safe/sane,


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